oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
