Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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