Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.