Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
