If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...