i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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