Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
