Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My cat gives me a boner
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
