I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
