Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
