This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
