so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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