I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
