i would punch a child for taco bell
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
