I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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