dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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