remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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