i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Even my vagina gasped.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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