So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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