and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
