8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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