Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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