well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
