Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
