The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
