He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
