Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
