What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
