I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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