I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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