i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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