According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
