If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize