Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
