Cold hands, warm shart.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
