Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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