jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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