The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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