Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
