Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
