New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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