Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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