I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
