He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
