It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
