woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
