Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
