he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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