i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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