You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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