at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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