I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
