i just had sex bonerless
and she was petting her beer can
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
