I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
