The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
