You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
