If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
