Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
