Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
In America we eat man semen.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
