i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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