I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
