she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
