I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
