the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
